Ode to some biscuits

Following on from a comment by Mr Strongbow on the site, here is another poem by my colleague Alan. His ruminations on biscuits coupled with the discovery that he had a fan, led to his latest masterpiece: Ode to some biscuits.


'Twas the fifth of October, 2007 I do not doubt
When the Poet's thoughts were turned to biscuits without a doubt
For some tasty snacks I wanted to eat without delay
And none could me this gainsay

The loveliest is of course the custard cream
With its tasty biscuit layers most lovely to be seen
And the custard filling nice to eat
Whilst eating with a cup of tea is quite a treat

But lest we forget the jammy dodger is also fine indeed
With its jam and shortbread that to eat we all need
And of course the chocolate chip cookie the bringer of glee
Which is found a-plenty in the stores of Dundee

For antipodean snacks the Anzac bisuit cannot be beaten
And by the citizens of Australia and New Zealand it is often eaten
And the bourbon is a fine bisuit I can see
But let it not be confused with the demon drink despised by Mr Murphy and the Blue Ribbon Army

The Garibaldi is a biscuit of historic interest
And was eaten by that Italian patriot I must confess
The fig roll is a healthy choice I must say
And the health conscious consumer will eat many without dismay

So in conclusion and without a doubt
No one should of biscuits be without
And the better we our biscuit tins do fill
The lesser chance we have of being ill

A little bit of poetry

This needs a little bit of explanation. My work colleague, Alan, is a fan of William McGonagall . Who? I hear you cry. William McGonagall is widely recognised as the worst poet ever to put pen to paper – a perfect example of the phrase ‘so bad it’s good’. He had a fondness for putting irrelevant details into his poems ranging from the full home address of someone he was writing about, to rather extreme moral judgements. He also seems to mention Dundee in practically every poem no matter where it’s set or what it’s about. In an idle moment at work, I challenged Alan to write a poem about cake in the style of McGonagall. He took the challenge and, following a lunchtime stroll along the Thames to discover his muse, produced this; it’s worth sticking to until the end as the final couplet is the best (he assures me the recipe is genuine):

Lines in praise of cake

All ye good people, afar and near
In praise of cakes pray lend an ear
There are many cakes that are lovely to be seen
And can be enjoyed whilst in the garden, amongst trees and shrubberies green

A fine cake is Battenburg, I do confess
And some like fruitcake no less
Christmas cake none shall gainsay
Is good festive fare without delay

To regard the Simnel cake is a fine food be it said
Especially when eaten after a meal with some bread
The swiss roll is also nice no doubt
And those who are hungry for cake should never be without

Cup cakes are such as to fill ones heart with glee
And almond slices are most lovely to see
But the loveliest of all is the cake of Dundee
With its fine ingredients as you shall see

Eight oz flour and one teaspoon of baking powder
And six oz butter and five oz of caster sugar
Two tablespoons of whisky, oh, thou demon Drink
And one point five oz mixed peel of which to think

Six oz of currants, raisins and sultanas without dismay
And four eggs which will be remembered for many a day
Grated rind and juice of lemon I do declare
And one oz blanched almonds to take away all care

Two tablespoons of boiled milk and one tablespoon of sugar, nice to eat
Will make this tasty recipe a most wonderful treat
It is a good cake, I venture to say,
Which I declare to the world without dismay,

And in conclusion I will say
And none shall gainsay without delay
That the bigger we our cakes do build
The greater chance we have of being filled