The Caked Crusader’s 10 Commandments of Cake & Desserts

The CCB (Caked Crusader’s Brother), in one of his more inspired moments, challenged me to come up with my “10 Commandments of Cake & Desserts”.

Never one to shy away from a challenge I came up with the following:

1. No low fat substitute products
2. Fruits should always be stoned or de-pipped
3. If you can’t eat it, it shouldn’t be on the plate
4. Always custard, never crème anglaise
5. Always make enough so everybody can have seconds
6. You can never have enough cake tins or recipe books
7. A mint sprig is a problem, not a garnish
8. Extract = good; essence = evil
9. Invest in a good spatula and use it often
10. Cake is a baton – pass it on

Now to expand on my views just so you know where I’m coming from with regard to these bold statements:

1. No low fat substitute products

Why would you? You’ve obviously decided you’re having some cake/dessert so why spoil the treat? Would you go to the cinema and decide to sit with your eyes closed all through the film? Of course not; it would lessen the enjoyment you got from your treat. So why lessen the deliciousness of a cake/dessert by using something ghastly like low-fat cream cheese? Just typing “low fat” brings me out in a shiver.

2. Fruits should always be stoned or de-pipped

I don’t care if you warn everyone the cherries still contain their stones – no one biting into a piece of something lovely wants to suddenly feel that their tooth has shattered on impact with a pip. Plus it creates problems – what are people meant to do with the pips they’ve got in their mouth? Spit them out? Leave them on the plate? Choke on them? Until I get some sort of commission deal in place with a local dentist all my fruits shall be de-pipped.

3. If you can’t eat it, it shouldn’t be on the plate

Birthday and Christmas decorations are lovely but, by the time a slice of something is served to a recipient, all such frippery should be removed. This also goes for artistic swirls of peel, stalks left on cherries and those wizened, crispy brown leaves that physalis (cape gooseberries) come in. On a side note, I always have to be careful when mentioning physalis as my instinct is to call them syphilis. Obviously, one should never serve anyone a plate of anything containing syphilis – not even Heston Blumenthal has tried that yet.

4. Always custard, never crème anglaise

I defy anyone to convince me that crème anglaise is anything other than a watered down version of custard - an ugly show pony that thinks just because it has a few vanilla seeds in it it’s somehow haute cuisine. Trading standards punish pubs who sell watered down drinks, so why aren’t they tackling the important issue of diluted custard? Where’s a policeman when you need one? Officer – arrest this chef, a crime has been committed.
Custard is glorious and thick and yellow; it coats the spoon and creates a sense of wellbeing. Crème anglaise is mean and thin; it runs off the spoon like watery gruel. Do not allow it to taint your baking.

5. Always make enough so that everyone can have seconds….

….then, cajole everyone into having seconds. Aside from no cake (which is always the default worst position), there is nothing worse than being given a meagre slice of cake in the knowledge that there is no more. Further, if there are unexpected guests or you merely misjudge how many slices a cake will yield, someone will go without. View this CAFTA winner to see the misery this causes.

6. You can never have enough cake tins or recipe books

Despite what anyone tells you, even when your cupboards are packed tighter than a rush hour tube train and you’re too afraid to open the door in case you cause a landslide of aluminium and steel, you do not have enough cake tins. You don’t have to use them; picking them up occasionally and stroking them a la Gollum and the Ring is more than adequate reason to buy them.
Rev. Sydney Smith once said “there is no furniture so charming as books” and he was almost right. There is no furniture so charming as recipe books, particularly cake and dessert recipe books.

7. A mint sprig is a problem, not a garnish

Be honest now, when a dessert is put in front of you I bet the first thing you do is pick up the mint sprig and place it on the side of the plate. As far away from the main attraction as you can lest your spoon accidentally makes contact with it again. I know of but one person who has ever eaten the mint garnish (you know who you are!) and that was only because he had vowed to eat everything capable of being eaten on his plate for a week; even he found the mint garnish tough work. What is its purpose? It doesn’t look pretty, it doesn’t taste nice and – if eaten – overpowers everything else on the plate. Begone foul leaf!

8. Extract = good; essence = evil

The benefit of home baking is that you can control exactly what goes into your cakes/dessert. No additives, no nasty ingredients, no things beginning with E that sound like they shouldn’t exist outside a laboratory. Extract comes directly from the actual item i.e. vanilla extract is made from vanilla beans, almond extract from almonds. Essence is padded out with water and alcohol and other nasties. Admittedly, extract is more expensive but you use less of it; further (and this is the clincher for me) the flavour of extract is far superior to any essence.

9. Invest in a good spatula and use it often

It breaks my heart to see cake batter left in the bowl or on beaters – even on TV shows where they claim they don’t have the time to scrape it all out. The cake batter left in the bowl is identical to the batter in the cake tin so why leave it out? Suppose you had your cake batter in the tin, were just about to put it in the oven and I came along asking if I could take a tablespoon of mix out and throw it away? Apart from asking me how I got in your kitchen, I suspect you would say “no, that’s good mix, I need it”. Point made.

10. Cake is a baton – pass it on

Far too many people have never known the delight of home made cake or, if they have, it is a fond-yet-distant memory usually involving a grandma or two. If those of us who bake don’t share the joy it brings or the divine results we cannot convert others. OK, this is starting to sound a bit cult-like. What I mean is offer to teach someone else how to bake – even if it’s just a plain fairy cake – share your recipes, share your baking. Once people have tasted good home baking they will be more critical of shop bought cakes that use inferior ingredients and are not always made with care. We are cake evangelists and must spread the word!

So, that’s my 10 Commandments. Are there any you disagree with or have I missed out on a key issue?